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The kid who would be cool with just money The kid who wants $5.3billion. the kid who has had enough The kid who demands detailed feedback. The kid who can’t be bothered with chit-chat. The kid who has no time for small talk.  The kid who just wants to get down to business.  The kid who is body-shaming Santa. The kid who knows when to be formal. The kid who has very clear instructions on time-keeping. The kid who needs to see the whites of their eyes. The kid who isn’t sugar-coating things. The kid who can’t hide their jealousy. The kid who will grow up to be a Hollywood producer.

As shocking as it may seem, not everyone in the UK celebrates Christmas. I don’t – well, not in the traditional way, with trees and presents and turkey, as I’m Jewish, so we have Chanukah instead. While the donuts and candles that Chanukah brings are all very nice, it’s hard to ignore the overwhelming stages of Christmas Fomo that engulf me every year. 1. The childhood sense of wonder When you were little, you were learning all about the Maccabees, and the oils that lasted eight days, and how to sing Chanukah songs. Isn’t it sad that even as a little six-year-old, you ‘knew’ Santa didn’t exist? 2. Christmas parties These take place in November, and while you can still turn up, have a drink and say inappropriate things to colleagues, you feel like a fraud trading secret Santa gifts and revealing your favourite Christmas song, when you don’t even celebrate the damn holiday. 3. The questions What do you say when someone asks what you’re doing over the break? Genuine panic ...