The 9 stages of Christmas Fomo – fear of missing out

As shocking as it may seem, not everyone in the UK celebrates Christmas.

I don’t – well, not in the traditional way, with trees and presents and turkey, as I’m Jewish, so we have Chanukah instead.

While the donuts and candles that Chanukah brings are all very nice, it’s hard to ignore the overwhelming stages of Christmas Fomo that engulf me every year.

1. The childhood sense of wonder

When you were little, you were learning all about the Maccabees, and the oils that lasted eight days, and how to sing Chanukah songs.

Isn’t it sad that even as a little six-year-old, you ‘knew’ Santa didn’t exist?

2. Christmas parties

These take place in November, and while you can still turn up, have a drink and say inappropriate things to colleagues, you feel like a fraud trading secret Santa gifts and revealing your favourite Christmas song, when you don’t even celebrate the damn holiday.

3. The questions

What do you say when someone asks what you’re doing over the break?

Genuine panic sets in.

Is the fact you won’t say the word Santa once during the whole bank holiday a socially acceptable statement?

4. The lying

Eventually, it’s just too much effort to explain that December 25 is just another day for you, and that you’ll probably spend it in bed with a box set of Breaking Bad and no family visiting, so you end up just playing along and telling whoever asks that you’re going to your in-laws for a special Christmas dinner.

No one wants to hear that you won’t really be in the Christmas spirit, now do they?

5. The gifts

You could buy everyone you know a heavily reduced but still extortionate gift in the sales, but without Christmas to celebrate together, it feels a little over the top to shower your family and friends with random presents.

So you end up buying yourself a new camera. Selfish much?

6. The jumpers

On Christmas jumper day you’re hardly going to come into work in a sleek black dress, are you?

So you join in with all the reindeer-embroidered fun, knowing deep down that on the 25th you’ll be wearing your onesie and sadly watching Christmas movies on your own.

7. The songs

Chanukah songs are fun, sure.

But you never heard Bing Crosby dreaming of a ‘White Chanukah’, did you?

The FOMO hits you from mid-November, as every shop is sure to be playing Santa Baby for the seventh time that day.

Oh well, you can join in from afar.

8. The tree

And you may have been stared at when you announced that you’d never done this before and it may be the most exciting activity you’d ever done, ever.

9. The stories

While everyone always complains about Christmas, citing their families, excessive cooking and crap presents as reasons, you still feel left out when you’re back to the office after the break and everyone’s trading their Yuletide drama stories.

Here’s a tip: moaning about how rubbish your Chanukah was won’t help you fit in.